Growing up,I heard over and over again that good grades will get me a good job which will in turn help me get a good job,make a lot of money and then I will be happy.It was supposed to be as simple as that. I did get the good grades and studied what i was told was a marketable course. During college , and in between before I got what I would call a good job there were chances to learn that the formula for happiness was not necessarily correct but I did not quite learn.I tarmacked after campus with the idea that I had to get a job,a husband and children to be happy.I got fired in my first job went through a depressive phase of feeling lost.I used to sleep on the floor in a tiny room with shared bathroom at Mlango kubwa and the job was not secure ,people got fired all the time.I was anxious most of the time.When I lost the job had to move to a relative house and started sleeping on their couch.
During this phase I started selling second hand mitumba shoes from Gikomba as I looked for a job. Here I started learning a lesson life seemed to have been teaching me for a while now.Good grades and a degree were not equals a good job or money.Even when I had the job the fear and anxiety denied me peace. I met a man during my stay with my relatives who introduced me to spirituality. He made me understand that religion was not spirituality. One could be spiritual yet not religious.This new knowledge shifted a lot of things internally. I have had dreams come true,I could tell things about people just by looking at them or spending time with them.This he made me understand was a gift and unknowingly i started to figure out this happiness business slowly.Discovering myself became a source of joy, it replaced my pursuit of happiness. peace and good health became very important to me.
The first time i would say i fell in love and got my heart broken however marked a whole new beginning for me. I had a job that catered to my need so money was not an issue at the time .Yet the pain of heartbreak was so excruciating that I realized no amount of money in the world could take away the pain. The feeling of being rejected brought me face to face with a demon that i felt had inhabited in me for a long time. Not being good enough, I felt I simply was not enough this too was not something money could heal. This lead to a lot of soul searching with the fundamental question being who am i?
My second job, I simply grew to hate it.It was not about the money it was the fact that I found it routine and mentally just dull,no challenge whatsoever. The job after that was a sales job and I spent a lot of time in the field .Despite the salary being low I enjoyed the fact that I spent a lot of time outside. Today I have a more stable job that allows me to live a life i enjoy .I however find that I have periods I have peace, joy, sadness but happiness I am yet to figure out what it is all about. I still find myself thinking if this or that happened i would be so happy but deep down i know it is just an emotion that never quite lasts.
I no longer live in pursuit of happiness, I want a better life. I want to tour the world and that needs money so i will strive to make more. I want to drive myself to work currently I walk to work , i want to live in a comfortable and secure neighborhood and these things cost money.These are facts of life, if and when opportunities arise to make more money I will be sure to take advantage. These things though I understand are not a guarantee of happiness.
I must find things that give my heart joy and my mind peace. These things sometimes have nothing to do with money, some are things that are simply about me just being me. I like to travel, new places, new faces,foreign cultures they are things i enjoy to do. I like writing, journaling, I read books because I enjoy these things .These things make my everyday life, the feelings they generate inside of me may not be one of happiness am not sure what I would call it, maybe inspiration. I have also discovered there will always be a streak of sadness inside some of us no matter where we are in life.